Fear of Flying

I am leaving on Tuesday to fly to the British Virgin Islands, specifically Tortola. For any of you who might not know where Tortola is, it's diagonally to the right of the top hump of South America. Christopher Columbus discovered and named it the "land of the turtle dove". Probably because these turtle doves were migrating from Africa where Wikipedia says they normally live. Regardless of why Columbus picked a turtle dove to be Tortola's namesake, I think getting married in the land of the turtle doves sounds romantic and movie-magic perfect.

But, I hate flying commercially, especially discount commercially. I would say that I hate flying in general, but since I've never flown in a private aircraft, I'll have to assume that my dislike for flying is, in some part, due to the annoyance of today's commercial airline incarnation. I do not like arriving some place up to three hours earlier than I need to arrive there. And it's not like they provide any comforts to me as a customer after I get processed and have to sit and wait so long. And every single item you might like or need to purchase while you are waiting has been marked up at least 30% in price. Why? Because the merchants realize that you are being held hostage in the hangar until your flight leaves! Technically, you could leave and go buy whatever you'd wanted outside the airport, but then you'd have to stand through all those waiting lines one more time! Then assuming your flight departs on time, you get to be herded like cattle onto a big metal tube and hurled through the air. While you're in the air, you are forced to inhale the recirculated germ-laden stinky air, that's always either too hot or cold. Flying, in economy class from Houston to Puerto Rico, takes almost five hours. Then we have to fly from Puerto Rico to Tortola which isn't too long, less than two. So, in total, I'm going to be flying for about 7 hours! Many of you may be thinking you have taken far longer flights than that, and I have, too, before, but I still cringe when anticipating how fun-filled my Tuesday will be.

The last flight I was on, from Dallas to New York City, was supposed to be a simple one-way hop. I thought I was going to die on that airplane the experience was so bad! First we don't leave anywhere near on time; then once on the plane, we don't get cleared to take off until almost an hour later; then once we are flying, we circle, in bad turbulence, for so long in a forced holding pattern in the air that we had to detour and land to get some more gas! Of course we finally arrived, alive. Nonetheless, these commercial airlines seem to be so clueless as to why they're not earning a profit. Could it be that they have no sense of hospitality for their hostages? Lets face it, when you are miles above the ground, no matter how poorly the flight is going, there's not a single thing you can change or help for yourself. Besides prison, I can't think of a single other instance in life where this is true. And as a final insult on top of the rest of it, airline prices are higher now than ever before. Buying our airfare was the most costliest expense of our entire wedding, including the whole resort stay! Hmm, a seven hour flight costs more than a seven night stay on a private island?! I wish I could say it wasn't so.

Thanks for reading,

(the VERY soon to be)
MRS. Cajun Haole